Asking for help is not something that many of us find easy. There is often a myriad of emotions that come up when we don’t know how to do something or don’t have the answer to a question. The discomfort of vulnerability associated with asking questions is what holds so many people back from a better understanding, opportunities for growth or even being in a position to help another person in the future who may have a similar question.
The fear of not knowing the answer or thinking that you’ll be seen by others as incompetent or deemed not ready for the project or the role is one that is held by almost the whole population at some time or another. It’s a genuine fear or worry, I’m not dismissing that, however, I think when we get caught up in that spiral we forget that we cannot control another person’s response or opinion of us or our abilities. What anyone does or says – has got a lot more to do with them and their world, than it has to do with yours (or mine).
The truth is – we all need to start somewhere and in our very sophisticated and oftentimes contradictory world, no one can expect to know everything. It’s just not practical, nor is it necessary. The days of needing to know or demonstrate in some way that you do know or have access to all the answers are behind us. Thankfully.
Collaboration, contribution and cooperation are the improved version of not only how we do things better, it’s how we show up as better versions of who we are and get closer to being who we want to be, by simply asking questions and asking for help. Asking good, thoughtful and well-meaning questions that will help you to push the needle a little further.
The tactful and tactical approach to asking for help
So, let’s break it down and look at the mechanics of asking questions or asking for help to avoid any more mental anguish, lumps in the throat and finger wringing.
First – whatever your question, make sure it’s a quality question. The better the quality, the better the answer. Your question or request and the way that you make it can positively position you with the person you’re seeking guidance or assistance from. A thoughtful and considered question or request can do wonders for your personal brand. If you need to spend a little time crafting it, then do so.
Use your empathy skills
Have a little empathy in how you approach asking for assistance. How would you like someone to ask you for help or assistance? Put yourself in their workday schedule, if you have access to it, even better, take a look and think about whether your request will be the best use of their time and expertise. If you come to the conclusion that maybe they don’t have the time or the bandwidth, move on and look for someone else to approach. Perhaps use your initial choice as a stepping stone to the next person – ask them for a recommendation to help you find the best person.
Clarity and gratitude are important
Be clear about what it is that you need before asking for help, take the time to identify exactly what it is that you need help with. This will make it easier for whoever you’re asking, to understand your request. They will also appreciate that you’ve been specific so they can answer with accuracy or experience and make the most of their time and resources. This is as much about how they want to be viewed in your eyes as well as how you’re being viewed in theirs.
Be grateful for their time and willingness to help you. Expressing gratitude not only helps you to receive the help you need regardless of how big or small your request is, it can and often does go a long way in building positive relationships. Most of my long-term professional relationships with senior and executive managers have developed from an initial request for guidance, help or advice. It’s the first step in building connection which as you progress throughout your career, you realise is priceless.
It’s in our nature as humans to want to be of help to others where we can genuinely can be, it’s also in our nature to want to feel appreciated and valued for sharing our time, wisdom and experience. Be sure to show this – it will speak volumes in regard to your character.
Following up after the request
People like to know how the results of their assistance. Following up with your SME after receiving help is a small yet powerful gesture of letting people know how their help impacted your work and the outcomes you were able to reach. By taking the time to do this they are more likely to assist you with any future requests.
It’s also valuable to share with them any lessons learned and insights gained from your experience. It helps both of you with any future work or requests for help, to support others with the most relevant experience and answers that you have at the time.
Liz Ellis is a certified Leadership and Performance Coach, Master Practitioner of Neurolinguisitic Programming and Conscious Hypnosis and a Practitioner of Timeline Therapy. She is founder and Principal Coach at Empowered Leader, a practice that supports leaders to overcome challenges in their role and bumps along the road in their career by reconnecting them to their values,vision and purpose.